) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
> Peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> Passengers in his car.'
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> Get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> 3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
> bar.'
> --Drew Carey
>
>
> 4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> Not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> Doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> Drop them off at the wrong house.'
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
> 5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> And saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> Infant's' life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
> --Dave Barry
>
>
> 6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> We should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> Wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
> You, they should have to find you a temp.'
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
> 7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> Her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
> --Paula Poundstone
>
>
> 8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> Better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> Authors of that study: 'Duh.'
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
> 9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> Halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner.'
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
> 10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> People in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> And the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
> 11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> Impersonators would be dead.'
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
> 12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>
> 13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
> But they turned sixty and that's the law.'
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
> 14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> Case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> From smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
> What, do tall people burn slower?'
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
> 15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same.'
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>
> 16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
> Member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
> --Mark Twain
>
>
> 17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
> At least they can find Afghanistan '
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
> 18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
> And the dog will give you a look that says,
> 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
> --Dave Barry
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
> Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
> 20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
> I believe I'll have another beer.'
> - W. C. Fields
> Peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> Passengers in his car.'
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> Get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> 3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
> bar.'
> --Drew Carey
>
>
> 4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> Not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> Doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> Drop them off at the wrong house.'
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
> 5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> And saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> Infant's' life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
> --Dave Barry
>
>
> 6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> We should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> Wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
> You, they should have to find you a temp.'
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
> 7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> Her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
> --Paula Poundstone
>
>
> 8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> Better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> Authors of that study: 'Duh.'
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
> 9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> Halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner.'
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
> 10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> People in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> And the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
> 11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> Impersonators would be dead.'
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
> 12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>
> 13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
> But they turned sixty and that's the law.'
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
> 14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> Case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> From smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
> What, do tall people burn slower?'
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
> 15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same.'
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>
> 16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
> Member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
> --Mark Twain
>
>
> 17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
> At least they can find Afghanistan '
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
> 18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
> And the dog will give you a look that says,
> 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
> --Dave Barry
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
> Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
> 20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
> I believe I'll have another beer.'
> - W. C. Fields
